Cinderella and the Tough Stuff

I have been struggling for awhile whether to keep Augie in daycare or to pull him and I must admit it has been a daily flip.  I know that for those of you that work full time, you are thinking "what???" I would give anything to be home with my kids, and I know exactly what you mean and that is part of the problem.  I feel like Cinderella and I'm waiting for midnight.  As I have said before me being a SAHM was never an option, so now that I am I feel like I'm living in a fairy tale world.  Part of what has kept me guarded by getting "too" comfortable is keeping Augie in daycare.  By doing this I am constantly reminded that staying at home is not an option and that at any moment I will find a job and will be thrown back into the reality that I dread the most.  But for now, part time daycare is a huge financial strain, and although I do work during that time, Addie doesn't let me work the whole time and pretty much my work becomes a wash on most weeks and I still find myself working at night. 

So although I have been battling with this for months, I have been battling it alone, I haven't spoke of it and have been going through all of the pros in cons in my head.  These pros and cons have come with multiple tears, Augie loves school, and I love getting some time for me alone with Addie.  Well today it all came to a head and I finally feel a release. My mom called me, we talk everyday so this is no surprise, but today she brought this up and man if I didn't attack and become super defensive.  I immediately got short with her, giving her every con I could think of and making her feel bad that she isn't closer to help me and so on and so forth.  When we got off the phone I thought "well who in the sam hill was that?!?!?....what just took over me"  I'm still not quite sure why I reacted like this but the only thing I can think of is that my mom uncovered the fraud that I feel like I've been.  Well I went into school and talked with the assistant director about pulling Augie and it went really well, one major issue is that I'm the school board president and will most likely have to resign, which I don't want to do.  Then tonight once we got home, I talked with Augie about it, I asked him what he thought about staying home and not going to school anymore, he looked at me and said "momma not work?" I said "ya, momma would work a little, but Augie wouldn't go to school anymore....what would you want to do?"  he responded "Augie wants to stay with momma"  and so it was decided.  I'm going to keep him in until May and then pull him.  I'm sure between then and now I will go back and forth a hundred times, just typing it now is making it hard to breath and I'm tearing up.  I told Jason that he has to give me more time on his day off and he said "sure, ok", which you all know what that means.

Thanks for walking with me down this next journey, and whether you pray or not, please think of me while I try to find my glass slipper and make this all work out.

PS I called my mom back and apologized, I never want her to feel like she can't suggest things to me, I cherish the open relationship that she and I have and I never want her to edit her emotions or feelings around me.  We all need to have someone that we can literally say whatever to and never feel judged.  She is that to me and I am forever thankful.