(Happy?) Anniversary

Today is Jason and I's 4 year wedding anniversary and it's 10:30 and I'm sitting on the couch eating cold pork chops in my pajama's watching last night's American Idol alone.  I rarely have pity party's for myself but today I was just at my wits end.  Jason and I haven't gone out on, around, for or even the same month for our anniversary since our 1st anniversary in 2008.  This year we were supposed to finally get to go out, we were supposed to last year but Augie had a febrile seizure the morning we were supposed to go out, and now we aren't.  Jason has had his City pool tournament which continues into this weekend when my parents were supposed to come up to watch the kids.  Of course if his team wins at 1 they play at 6 which would mean we wouldn't go out to dinner.  My parents have been out of town for two weeks so coming up to "maybe" babysit isn't really ideal when they need to leave first thing in the morning Sunday.  So I suggested they come Friday instead but my step-dad's flight doesn't get in until late so by the time they would get here we couldn't even go out to dinner until after 9. So I told my mom tonight just not to worry about it, the whole weekend is just becoming to much of a pain.

Although I am the one that canceled for the weekend I'm still extremely disappointed.  Jason had to work late tonight so the kids and I went to the grocery around 5 to get a special anniversary dinner for me to make.  This is when I talked to my mom and told them not to come.  Before we had left for the grocery I promised Augie we would rent "The Wolf Movie" (Alpha and Omega) from either redbox or the library, well in the middle of the grocery I found myself fighting back tears and Augie and Addie were both whining so I let Augie have the gourmet Bob Evans mac and cheese and then at checkout we bought "The Wolf Movie."  So as I sat at the table with the kids eating our mac and cheese and apple dinner, I cried.  I more like sobbed, and it was the funniest thing, because no one asked me what was wrong, no one even noticed.  So I cried harder, I cried because I spent to much on mac and cheese, because I broke down and bought a movie just so I didn't have to go to the library because I just wanted to go home, and I cried because once again I wasn't going to be able to have a night alone with my husband. 

Once I quit feeling sorry for myself, I timed out dinner for Jason and I to eat, as I was taking the stuffed pork chops out of the oven he called to let me know that he was on his way home, but his manager had asked him if he could meet up with him, so he was coming home to change if that was ok.  I said it was fine, honestly the night was a bust anyway.  So he swooped through and left again and I cried.  Although my anniversary brings so much joy and happiness it also brings back a lot of pain and raw emotions.  Now, I don't want you to all think Jason is some type of jerk, had he known I was crying all night he wouldn't have left.  But he needed to go, he needs a promotion and we need that for our family.

On my wedding day my dad didn't walk me down the aisle.  It wasn't that he is dead, he wasn't sick, we weren't not on speaking terms, my dad chose not to.  On the most important day of my life (up to that point) my dad committed the un thinkable parental sin, he didn't choose me his daughter he chose himself.  My parents divorced when I was 8 and my mom remarried to my step-dad Randy when I was 11.  I think it's fair to say that Randy raised me.  I don't have a bad relationship with my dad, and I saw him growing up. It was never where he had us every weekend and Wednesdays but we saw him on holidays and sprinkled days in between.  When I got engaged I knew that I wanted both my dad and Randy to walk me down the aisle together.  It wasn't really a choice to me, it was that I loved them both and appreciated them both and although I never would have asked to have to have two dad's that's what I was given and I wanted them both to share that moment with me.  Well when I told my dad that he didn't see it the same way and he said he wouldn't so on my wedding day he didn't walk me down the aisle, he didn't tell me that I was the most beautiful person in the whole world, he didn't dance with me he was just there. 

And so tonight, the loneliness crept in and I looked at Addie and I just cried.  I cried that she will never have to feel that, that she will walk down the aisle on the arm of her poppa on her wedding day and that throughout life he will always choose her.

But in the end of my pity party night, my husband came home, he cuddled in and aside from life's disappointments I had a great anniversary present earlier today when I watched our babies smiles, the babies that have brought Jason and I closer than we ever could have imagined when we said I do.